Dignity is for republicans.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
sarcasm needs its own font
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important