I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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