Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture