You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
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Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...