I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
