My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better