I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
