If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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