i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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