what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Acid is not a monday night drug
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
seriously i just wanna be friends
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting