Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"