Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
