Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.