giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know