So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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