you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I pooped in a mop bucket.
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She liked it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
I'm jealous of your bromance
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
You're my little dorito
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.