Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
well you can't waste a boner
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he puts the penis in happiness.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor