Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
