Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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