Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
she pinky promised me she was 18
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.