did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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