Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
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I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I intend to get homeless drunk
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
This girl is more easily done than said...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.