Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sexist Restaurant Owner Tells Woman To ‘Keep Her Legs Open’ After Firing Her
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
19 True Stories So Scary You May Never Turn The Lights Off Again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I told you penises don't tan
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Operation Purity has been aborted
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation