He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
In America we eat man semen.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack