My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
smell my finger.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow