We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
a search helicopter?!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?