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We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The beer is more important than you right now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
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