I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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