Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Quick, to the slutcave!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Follow @tfln
Cracked IndieClick Humor