why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Can I ask u a weird question?
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high