The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.