Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I understand Curling. That high.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
