I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.