He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He passed out mid-signature
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow