Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
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What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
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seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it was like having sex with a tree stump
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.