Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You can't special order awesome
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
You're my little dorito
you didnt know i had herpes?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Apparently you make a good broom.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop