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Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
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