Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit