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Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
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