I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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