Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
you will always have a special place in my vag
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
sarcasm needs its own font
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?