I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't you send me to vm
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
it glows. i had to have it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo