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we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
if you like me you must not know who I am
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
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