Texts From Last Night

ruff_dog's Favorites Texts:

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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
  Replies (111) Good night (38411) Bad night (3072)
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (20504) Bad night (1811) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
  Replies (55) Good night (26465) Bad night (2254) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (22295) Bad night (1511)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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  (256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu
  Replies (10) Good night (6870) Bad night (1024) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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  (202): But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery." http://tfl.nu/8w5e
  Replies (11) Good night (1313) Bad night (4094) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  that probably didn't help your case.

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  (810): When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing. (1-810): that probably didn't help your case. http://tfl.nu/4tll
  Replies (14) Good night (1441) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
  Replies (139) Good night (38531) Bad night (1464)
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  what?

  (520): View more from Arizona

  YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!

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  (520): JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP! (1-520): what? (520): YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?! http://tfl.nu/3cop
  Replies (38) Good night (675) Bad night (3962)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
  Replies (67) Good night (25467) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
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  (915): View more from Texas

  so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me

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  (915): so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on (1-915): who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me http://tfl.nu/h8za
  Replies (49) Good night (778) Bad night (14847)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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  (407): my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed. http://tfl.nu/xljx
  Replies (87) Good night (3378) Bad night (31154) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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  (262): I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down. http://tfl.nu/o90m
  Replies (43) Good night (6096) Bad night (824)
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  (315): View more from New York

  I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho

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  (315): I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob (203): For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho http://tfl.nu/1l75
  Replies (37) Good night (7481) Bad night (591)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
  Replies (25) Good night (11905) Bad night (1259)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38059) Bad night (1813)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"

  (616): View more from Michigan

  He did it well too

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  (616): His pickup line was "I'll eat you out" (616): He did it well too http://tfl.nu/h6lm
  Replies (57) Good night (8731) Bad night (609)
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones

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  (605): remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones http://tfl.nu/3i5q
  Replies (16) Good night (1010) Bad night (4199) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  :( I'm sorry!!!

  (847): View more from Illinois

  sexual favors sorry?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  absolutely not

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  (224): :( I'm sorry!!! (847): sexual favors sorry? (224): absolutely not http://tfl.nu/14ur
  Replies (30) Good night (772) Bad night (1986)
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

  (1-870): View more from Arkansas

  well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  what chic?

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  (870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight? (1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic (870): what chic? http://tfl.nu/m2xn
  Replies (21) Good night (1315) Bad night (1738)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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  (910): it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!' http://tfl.nu/7tsr
  Replies (24) Good night (10432) Bad night (626)
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  (510): View more from California

  I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Are you high?

  (510): View more from California

  No. That's why it's odd

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  (510): I think I speak chipmunk. Odd. (702): Are you high? (510): No. That's why it's odd http://tfl.nu/ybok
  Replies (5) Good night (2119) Bad night (506)
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I wish i was spraying into your jaw.

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  (952): Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw. (612): I wish i was spraying into your jaw. http://tfl.nu/v3tm
  Replies (12) Good night (2946) Bad night (878)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (80) Good night (30851) Bad night (927) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  wrong number but thanks

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  (443): shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten. (610): wrong number but thanks http://tfl.nu/9cua
  Replies (18) Good night (7862) Bad night (649)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  Heybabeimwearingurpanties

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  (919): Heybabeimwearingurpanties http://tfl.nu/vfaz
  Replies (15) Good night (744) Bad night (1569) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
  Replies (101) Good night (33895) Bad night (3564) Order T-Shirt
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

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  (810): That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head. (810): I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again. http://tfl.nu/3d2e
  Replies (17) Good night (2960) Bad night (692)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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  (937): There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich. http://tfl.nu/hmr5
  Replies (28) Good night (16332) Bad night (1210) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen

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  (201): there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen http://tfl.nu/0xt9
  Replies (17) Good night (5472) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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  (970): ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and" http://tfl.nu/hqw1
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  (650): View more from California

  Why were you high on a thursday?

  (1-650): View more from California

  today's a wednesday

  (650): View more from California

  I asked first.

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  (650): Why were you high on a thursday? (1-650): today's a wednesday (650): I asked first. http://tfl.nu/enxr
  Replies (9) Good night (2347) Bad night (407)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
  Replies (37) Good night (1982) Bad night (7827)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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  (501): This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower. http://tfl.nu/hbb7
  Replies (62) Good night (19381) Bad night (1458) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.

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  (513): She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before. http://tfl.nu/zkf3
  Replies (52) Good night (8516) Bad night (833) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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  (505): My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut. http://tfl.nu/nzlu
  Replies (18) Good night (4195) Bad night (593) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

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  (330): giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire. http://tfl.nu/oqcy
  Replies (12) Good night (1293) Bad night (5071) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

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  (250): A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja http://tfl.nu/h6o5
  Replies (30) Good night (7302) Bad night (1038)
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  this study room smells like vodka

  (310): View more from California

  the study room thinks the same about you

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  (573): this study room smells like vodka (310): the study room thinks the same about you http://tfl.nu/w62g
  Replies (16) Good night (6133) Bad night (847)
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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  (662): Stop introducing me to people as your little sister. (1-662): I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother. http://tfl.nu/5xkr
  Replies (31) Good night (7762) Bad night (1387) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  bring the vodka.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

  (904): View more from Florida

  we are.

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  (904): bring the vodka. (1-904): i thought we were going to mcdonalds..? (904): we are. http://tfl.nu/1144
  Replies (32) Good night (9516) Bad night (994)
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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  (443): he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it http://tfl.nu/sa3y
  Replies (52) Good night (1241) Bad night (6061)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote

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  (812): At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote http://tfl.nu/x0fb
  Replies (5) Good night (479) Bad night (2572)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.

  (1-302): View more from Delaware

  You mean inside out.

  (302): View more from Delaware

  No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

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  (302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down. (1-302): You mean inside out. (302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist. http://tfl.nu/eio3
  Replies (20) Good night (7423) Bad night (864)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot

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  (214): I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot http://tfl.nu/eus9
  Replies (14) Good night (4429) Bad night (1008)
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  (650): View more from California

  one two three fourrrrnication!

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  (650): one two three fourrrrnication! http://tfl.nu/2jpj
  Replies (4) Good night (3539) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  You weighed it?

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  (817): Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car? (1-817): You weighed it? http://tfl.nu/lai6
  Replies (37) Good night (21982) Bad night (1422) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

  (316): View more from Kansas

  Toaster

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  (319): On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you? (316): Toaster http://tfl.nu/fbwm
  Replies (48) Good night (25459) Bad night (1340)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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  (508): i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude. http://tfl.nu/zgqp
  Replies (87) Good night (25734) Bad night (4382)
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  (530): View more from California

  I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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  (530): I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite http://tfl.nu/1k7e
  Replies (45) Good night (18934) Bad night (1104) Order T-Shirt
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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  (905): I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now. http://tfl.nu/wxpj
  Replies (35) Good night (15099) Bad night (1257) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm drunk

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Is that why you're texting me

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Yes

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  (405): I'm drunk (615): Is that why you're texting me (405): Yes http://tfl.nu/5xy8
  Replies (16) Good night (1454) Bad night (468)
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

  (786): View more from Florida

  How high are you right now..

  (305): View more from Florida

  I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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  (305): Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind. (786): How high are you right now.. (305): I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT. http://tfl.nu/q5i7
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  (813): View more from Florida

  We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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  (813): We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response. http://tfl.nu/3ka8
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  (209): View more from California

  Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."

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  (209): Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me." http://tfl.nu/89qv
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  This is not my ceiling

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  (478): This is not my ceiling http://tfl.nu/p46e
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

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  (519): So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok. http://tfl.nu/j1n1
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  (509): View more from Washington

  I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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  (509): I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man. http://tfl.nu/1swk
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete

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  (309): Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete http://tfl.nu/n4gc
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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  (315): I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong. http://tfl.nu/20fz
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

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  (702): explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now. http://tfl.nu/gc18
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.

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  (402): What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho. http://tfl.nu/a5a8
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  (209): View more from California

  You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.

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  (209): You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed. http://tfl.nu/9lg8
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

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  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
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  (845): View more from New York

  Stop trying to talk to my friends!!

  (1-845): View more from New York

  then get some ugly ones...

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  (845): Stop trying to talk to my friends!! (1-845): then get some ugly ones... http://tfl.nu/5xvc
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  (917): View more from New York City

  did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

  (914): View more from New York

  you mean faeutihaers?

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  (917): did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night? (914): you mean faeutihaers? http://tfl.nu/mcba
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  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

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  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.

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  (401): She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY. http://tfl.nu/e2x6
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