I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Dating After Heartbreak
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
one two three fourrrrnication!
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Is that why you're texting me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is not my ceiling
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.