The maid of honor just puked.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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