If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.