Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.