My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
