Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho