My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
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Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
What should our trivia night team be named?
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.