You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?