He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.