Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class